BELIEVING

by M Mulligan
(New York, NY)

Not Knowing exactly where to begin, I will describe myself as a single mother of twin seven year old boys. Everyday I wonder if I am doing right or wrong and if there's anyway to make the experience less difficult. All the wondering and mental planning about the present and the future leaves me mentally as well as physically exhausted. The indicators are the children and its not fair to them as if they were a project. And the unconscious debate of whether or not they will be able to become happy and self sufficient adults by doing or not doing x, y, and z.

The responsibility that goes along with the unconditional love a mother has is like carrying the world on your shoulders and in fact we are as we are rearing the next generation of people.

Okay, Okay, lighten up you say and yes we must for our kids, ourselves and the cashier putting away the groceries as I am far away in thought already planning an after dinner activity when the groceries have not even gotten home yet let alone dinner eaten!! Had to work late to request an hour to make it to the class breakfast to hear about lessons I can't afford and trips taken by parents because they needed to get away from the kids and rekindle the romance.

Hmmm, am I jealous I ask? Well no not really just don't have that!! Will I? Oh who knows? "Be positive" I say to myself.

Gees hope no one saw me paying with the food stamps. No, I'm not a loser, I just married one I guess that makes me more of a loser huh? No I was kind, codependent, he a narcissist well we went well together in a toxic way. Poor kids!

No, wait they are great, one super mom who needs to recite Superman's "able to reach the highest something or other in a single bound" I cant remember the words to that I think I m suffering from what's that called when your memory is affected due to too much worrying... no.. not Alzheimer's, still too young although I think i have aged much faster than my married friends, and single w/o children.

Uh oh, am I comparing? No stop!!! I will be arriving to my pride and joys with the groceries. The tiny apartment I share with a family member is a mess! I can't complain I am lucky they were being "cared for" or let's say supervised. Okay not quite in the door yet and the complaining starts. He hit me! He tore my paper, I don't want spaghetti for dinner! I do!!! On and on and on. "So guys how was your day? Can each of you tell me what you did in school?" blah blah blah.

"I have notes in my back pack from the teacher." "Me too!"! "Read mine first"!! "Just a minute one at a time I only have two eyes". "You're mean!! Can you buy me the Legos you said you were going to buy me last week? What about the sneakers? The sale is going to be over." "Just a minute I am not a money machine I have to work everyday to get paid and then we can buy stuff".
Did you do your homework? "Okay after dinner Showers"!! "Nooooooooo!!! I hate showers!! I 'm not showering and that's final!! "Oh yes you are showering do you want bugs to crawl on you because you are dirty"? "Yes I like bugs I like all bugs"!! "Well they can make you sick. No they wont, my science teacher has bugs and we feed them and I haven't gotten sick". "How old are you 50.. no I am seven and I'm not showering"! "If he s not showering than I'm not either". "Dinners ready"!! "This is disgusting I'm not eating, I don't like this food". "Stop that! I know you are tired you need to eat so you can grow and be strong and fight off diseases blah blah blah.." "What are diseases"? "Diseases are caused by virus that break down normal processes in your body so you re no longer healthy". "What are viruses"? "I will tell you as you eat".

As I experience life with my twins, I examine my feelings and all the doubts that were created by abuse, infidelity, financial loss, homelessness.

I am healing I am growing I am loving my twins and I am loving me and I am believing that God is with me and that I am becoming who I need to be and regaining the me I was before having been deceived. I am believing I will discover the direction I need to be going. But I do not want to blame anyone as it doesn't lead to my happiness and fulfillment.

I have come a long way and I am believing in my self, in my experience, and believing I can connect and learn from others. Believing that there will be better days with better things with better people. Believing there is a good reason for everything but I need not know it. Believing that God knew I could handle this. Believing that perfection need not exist and I can still be happy. Believing that despite all the negative experience with my ex he has not gotten the best of me I am still me the lucky me that got twins!!! I believe I got the best twins in the world. I am strong! I am beautiful! I am busy!!! I am believing!!!!!!