Teen daughter wants to live with Dad

by CJ
(NJ)

Hi, I've been divorced 11 years. My daughter is 14 and about a year ago started saying she wants to love with her Dad. He is remarried with a step daughter 2 years younger than ours and a 23 year old step son. His step daughter calls him Dad. My daughter had issues with this but seems to have resolved. She's been treating me like she hates me and won't let me even hug her. She's in therapy and disclosed to us she wants to live with him in therapy session yesterday. Her Dad and I had a great relationship until he got married 3 years ago. He has created a split and his wife won't even say hello. She won't even come to my daughters soccer games. He has been bullying me saying my daughter says things about me that are negative and he will fight me for her if I don't let her go live with him. The distance between us is 35 miles and its never been a problem until now after 7 years. I think he wants out of child support and feels guilty he doesn't make any effort to spend time with her this past year. It's all about his new family. I think my daughter is trying to create a negative scenario in order to feel okay about wanting to live with him. After all he has another daughter living 24/7 with him and my daughter is a second class citizen. I'm beside myself, she is my world. What do I do, is this common?

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No support and in distress over teen daughter
by: Anonymous

’I’m not worried about loosing child support. You don’t need it if you loose your child, right? I’ve been divorced and a single mom of 2 teenage girls for 11 years. Was married for 9 went he had an affair. My girls and I had good relationships before the divorce. One is 19 and just left for college and barely speaks to me, she doesn’t like me and treats me horribly.

The other is 17 and moved out after I tried to ground her. I was insisting that her boyfriend to come to the door, maybe speak to me sometimes ,when he picks her up. He has never once come to my door or stepped inside to speak to me. I told her if she left again, without him coming to the door this time, I would ground her. She said no, and left. She got mad and moved her things out saying it’s other things too. And bottom line is her dad is her not is not supporting me on this and is allowing her to to disobey me and let her stay there with him.

This gives me no leverage or power to set standards and discipline her when she’s defiant . I’m pretty upset she’s been able to just runaway to her dads. I’ve reached out to the dad but he’s not supportive of me. I’m being stripped of my parental rights when she is legally supposed to be under my care. And I have no power other than taking legal action which could be traumatic for all.

But, I’ve lost time with my child and I don’t want to loose anymore. You goes to college next year. The dad has literally been working on them for years. He doesn’t like me and he makes it clear to my children. He has been a big part of the breakdown of my relationship with my daughters.

I make less money, my house is not as nice and renovated. I don’t have the money to do all they can do. But, I keep a clean house and care about their happiness. I love her with all I’ve got and she’s part of me. I’m have no idea what to do to get her back. His influence on her is so deep. He has family here and I don’t, he’s remarried and I am not, so I look like the weaker one, which makes them look down on me. I am a caring mom, I’m available to my children and work hard.

Do I need to just let her go where she wants to? I feel I’ve done all I can other than call the police and have her escorted back. Other than that, we really don’t have any
options of making our children accountable do we? Especially if the dad won’t.



From Sara:
I am sorry you have had such a difficult time. If you are responsible for her care, it's really not about your rights, but it is about your responsibilities. If you are unable to fulfill your responsibilities and you don't agree with the situation, then you are have a responsibility to act.

Yes...you should know who your daughter is hanging out with. I don't really understand why that didn't happen at the beginning of their relationship.

I don't believe it's a question of "looking weak" and I don't believe his being married has any impact on your situation. But if you believe this...and are acting accordingly...that is going to come through. As Eleanor Roosevelt said..."No one can look down on you without your consent."

It's unclear when she turns 18. It may be in your best interest to work more on the relationship than the housing situation if that birthday is coming up quickly. Otherwise, you may consider talking with an attorney to explore your options.

I wish you the very best.
12 year old daughter wants to live with dad
by: Anonymous

I have no idea when this was posted, but I am dealing with this exact situation and it is devastating me. My 12 year old wants to live and go to school with her dad (I personally feel like it’s because her best friend lives 3 minutes from him she said that’s not the reason though). Her father and I live 30 minutes away, right now I have her throughout the week and he gets her every weekend.

Her reasoning is she has a hard time making friends at the school she’s at and wants to go to a different school. Again I think it’s to be closer to her best friend. I told her no, because I would never see her. I work on weekends unlike her dad. So when would I see her?

Ever since I told her no she barely talks to me, stays in her room, gives me one word responses. I personally think a daughter going into their teenage years should be with the mother, from my experience not having my mom around at that age was really hard for me. I’m just at a loss. And to make it worse the stepmom is on my daughters side, she wants her to come live with them. They have 2 younger boys, 6 and a 5 month old. The stepmom had the nerve to tell me I’m going to drive a wedge between my daughter and I and it will be my fault. I’m just really sad and I’m trying not to be selfish but I just don’t want to lose her. any advice would be appreciated!

From Sara:
There's a reason that you have the living arrangement that you do, and if there's no real reason to change it, then personally, I would not. I also wouldn't feel a great need to discuss the situation with the stepmom.

It's not about losing her, it's about raising her.

It's perfectly fine to tell your daughter that the living situation isn't going to change. I went through the same thing with my son, and when he learned nothing was going to change and he wasn't going to get the life of no accountability that his father promised, he got on with things. At 35...he will tell you it was the right decision.


Talk to your daughter's teachers. Is she really having a hard time making friends? And if so, has something changed? Is this problem new? Is there support you can provide to help address that situation? Focus there.

I wish you the best.
single mom heartbroken
by: Anonymous

i have an almost 14 year old daughter that has been putting me through hell. We have a traumatic past and we were stalked for five years . A man was slashing my tires, leaving me death, threats, pouring substances down my gas tank, etc. which caused me to sink into a very deep depression. I ended up going into the mental health unit for a couple weeks and got my depression under control. Also started therapy and medication. My daughter says she has a lot of anger towards me from when I was depressed. I tried to explain that it was my illness, not me. I was never on drugs or drinking never brought strange men to the home.

I worked full-time, but my coping mechanism was sleeping. I have validated her feelings, and she says that she does see positive changes in me, but she doesn't know how to be around me and not be angry with me. She refuses counselling. Her graduation was last week I spent $1200 on it. Her dad spent nothing.

She had a breakdown at graduation was crying and she allowed her father and her stepmom to comfort her, but told me to go away and to leave her alone. she has told me she needs a break from me and wants to stay with her dad for a while. I am completely heartbroken. I don't know what to do if anyone has any words of advice I am very appreciative for your time. This is a heartbreak I would not wish on anyone. I love her more than anything. I just want her to feel comfortable and loved in my home as well.

Her dad used to abuse me he was very controlling. He's very much a narcissist and I'm concerned with what he may be saying to my daughter as well as her stepmom. Stepmom has never respected me will not even look me in the eyes and slam doors in my face for no reason. This is a heartbreak I would not wish on anyone. I love her more than anything. I just want her to feel comfortable and loved in my home as well.

Her dad used to abuse me he was very controlling. He's very much a narcissist and I'm concerned with what he may be saying to my daughter, as well as her stepmom or stepmom has never respected me will not even look me in the eyes I slam doors in my face for no reason. I dont get it and feel so alone.


From Sara:

First...congratulation on doing what was needed to get healthy. Well done!

It sounds like she has some PTSD of her own, and spent so much time in chaos that she is having a hard time in stability.

She needs to go to counseling. Perhaps a trip to the pediatrician's first would help bridge that gap. First...you'll need to make sure that nothing physical is going on; and 2. She can have a candid and private conversation with the pediatrician. That gives her a neutral party to discuss counseling with, and to discuss her concerns with. Then you can talk to the Dr., and make a plan. I don't think a child gets to be the deciding vote on attending counseling...even if it take a bit of time for her to open up.

I suggest therapy for you as well on this topic so you know how to create the structure teens need...even though they don't want it. It's nice to be liked, it's required that you parent.

And maybe a break would be helpful. If dad has a history of abuse, then maybe not there...maybe a relative or friend's house.

Working on how to be together in a healthy way will serve you both.

I wish you the very best!
13 years old
by: Anonymous

my 13 years old daughter just announced that she will go live at her dad's.

I've been her primary her entire life. She is my best lill partner in crime, my buddy, my lill girl, my everything.

I'm so, so heartbroken.

I've told her its fine. I want her to be happy. But inside im broken😭😭😭

From Sara:
I am so sorry. I am sure you are very much hurting. Know that you don't have to agree to this. A 13 year old doesn't get to make these kinds of life decisions...they are a child. You have the power and responsibility to say "no" if you think saying no is best.

I wish you the very best.
In the same boat with my daughter
by: Anonymous

I am reading this post, and the many responses and for the first time feeling in the last few days I sent a similarity with my situation. I too have a 14-year-old daughter she’s had a rough go over the last few years fooling in six grade Covid. Moving to a new school. Not making friends.

Feeling good for a heartbeat then meeting more negative friends who only bullied her and drove her down further. Then getting into self harm. Having suicidal ideations. Going into inpatient twice. Then going into a residential center. And during this time, instead of her dad, being here, he decides to move away to Colorado to pursue a job as a police officer where all he’ll be making $250,000 less than his last last job in finance. He wasn’t here when she went into inpatient. He wasn’t here to help get her in her residential center. He’s not here to visit her. Everything is virtual. But his leaving broke her heart and I was left to pick up the pieces. And now, while still at residential, she is stating she wants to go live with her father. She’s refusing treatment. She’s getting worse. So her father and I met with her.

To let her now that she would be living with me when she returns home. She didn’t like this. She stood up and said I hate you. You’re a liar and an alcoholic, and stormed out of the room. Afterwards she threaten self harm and other things. Her therapist spoke with her and she reiterated that I have 1 to 2 drinks every night that I drive around with her drunk that I’m not meeting her needs and that I am putting her in harm. Serious accusations with no truth behind them.

Yet as mandated reporters, they filed a CPS report on me. Now I have to go through a CPS investigation for 35 days and she still insisting to go live with her father. I don’t know how I became the bad guy when I’ve been here for her, and her father left her. At any rate, I decided on Monday to turn the tables a bit and said fine you can go live with your father until the summer time and then come back here. I can almost guarantee she’s gonna be calling me, asking me to fly her back wanting to come home. It’s not going to happen. She’s gonna have to wait till summer and follow the plan. If she decides to stay out there and she doesn’t want to come home, that’s the risk I’m willing to take as. As a single parent, it’s challenging enough to compound things and make them worse. I have to let her go. I’ll be nice and I’ll support her as she moves. But afterwards she’s going to need to realize that the support she wants had with me on a day-to-day basis.

Isn’t going to happen anymore. It’s time for her dad to step up. And hopefully, for once, I’ll put myself first instead of her, and do things for myself, and be myself again some thing I gave up and put on the back burner for too many years based on my desire to be here for her. Maybe someone day will get back together And things will be better from this or maybe they won’t. No crystal balls. But peace of mind is so important for all of us, as well as self-care and limits.
14 yrs old daughter choose materials over me
by: Anonymous

I have a daughter, 14. I am the one who take care of her since baby. She is the one who asked me to file for full custody. As a single mom is so hard, and I will let her have all child support in order to support her college and expenses in future. So we go back to court as she want to stay with me.

The father make a lot of money and afraid to pay child support. I explain to him that the money that you pay will automatically go to our daughter account not Mr. Daughter just want to stay with me.

The father said NO, you will not get custody. Now he poisoned my daughter mind by staying "Staying with him and he will give one house to my daughter. Beside that he got 2 renters and the money will give it to her to pay for college and expenses. ".

Now my daughter told me that she wants to stay with her father who has a another wif
e that his wife and my daughter did not get along even did not talk. What should I do? She did not listen me even I give her advise.


From Sara:
Get a lawyer and explore your options. She doesn't sound "poisoned" she sounds controlled.

I wish you the very best.
Daughter
by: Another single mom

I am in the same situation. My daughter is 14. Her Dad is remarried & has another kid so she is second class. Her father & I get along until his wife gets into our conversations. I have done everything for her with school & sports & he has never helped. She is my world & it is breaking my heart! I miss her & Im
Lonley. What Ive come to realize is, I have to let her go. If I dont, she will despise me. Dont take it personal, she will have to figure this out on her own. I have learned, I must not bad talk, must be supportive, & find new ways to keep our bond & relationship by doing things together. If I let her think she will come running back, then she will not come back in spite. It is so hard. Prayers to you & your daughter. It will all work out & she will always be your daughter ❤️
14 year old and 17 year old girls move with. dad
by: Anonymous

Mine is a 14 year old who decided to move to her dad's which sort of forces my oldest to go along with her (17). It is heart breaking and I don't see how I can force her to come back. Her dad is willing to encourage her but is not going to demand it.
Teen daughter threatened me with Suicide
by: Anonymous

I was living in the city where my ex husband was from and still is, even after an exceptionally abusive relationship I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with her father because he was the exact opposite with her. But his abuse became different, controlling every decision for her, bad mouthing me, and I got very depressed as I could not believe this was my lifr being a gender based violence activist. When I tried to talk to friends or family they would always say how lucky I was because he is such a doting dad. Eventually when Covid hit, it made the decision to move back to my home town with my daughter. He father threatened to get lawyers. She came anyways. But once we got here she hated that I had a life outside of her and started using my mental health against me. Cutting herself when I was with friends, controlling what time I came home etc. last Wednesday I was out and she called to tell me she had taken an overdose so I raced home.

She gave me an ultimatum: either I let her go back or she will kill herself. I am devastated and have no clue how to move forward with her because she knows I struggled with suicidal attempts in my late teens and major depression my whole life. It was awful the things she said to me, using everything she knew about my health to manipulate me into letting her move back. It wasn’t about her dad. It was about her friends. She embarrassed me with her attitude constantly and never made an effort to invest in my home town. It was calculated. She even mentioned lawyers and being able to choose where she lives after 12 (legal in South Africa). I reminded her that abusers don’t change and without me there to escape to I was worried. She didn’t care. She told me that restraining order he forced me to give up before he would give me a divorce didn’t exist anymore. I had no choice but to let her go. I’m devastated at the way she went about it and honestly cannot believe this is the same person I raised.

Dear - Daughter a bit off the rails...
I am not sure how old your daughter is here so this advice will be a bit more general that it otherwise would be.

If she threatens suicide, call the police. Clearly she needs some counseling here.

That issue aside...stop playing the victim. You are the mom. You set the rules. She doesn't get to browbeat you. You don't have to convince her. She is a child, you are a parent. This isn't a peer to peer relationship. Kids say a bunch of dumb crap to get a response or because their brains are fully developed and they think they are making sense. Sometimes it hurts our feelings, and that's the way it is. It's fine to complain to friends when she can't hear. When you are with her, you keep parenting no matter what she dishes out. You are teaching her how to treat you. It sounds like you may want to adjust your lessons.

Having said all of the above...how much time is she spending alone in a new community while you are out and about? It's fine to be out once in a while, but be sure she has things to do...and this is only if she's old enough to be home alone. Behavior is communication. What is she really telling you? She's lonely? She's scared? She needs her mom more? It sounds like she wants and needs your time and attention. It can be easy to forget that because she is taller than a small child and she is rather mouthy. But she is really a fragile child still in need of your love and support far, far more than you think, and far more than you'd probably rather.

Step back. Relax. Find things to do together. Talk. Learn her. Help her to grow into a beautiful and strong woman who is smart, compassionate, and caring. That takes time and very consistent and loving behavior from you.

Good luck to both of you! xo
Just let them
by: Anonymous

I share custody legal and physical. My oldest daughter wants to live with me the Father. I have told my children both that if they ever want to live with their mother instead of me I will not stop them after all it is their happiness were talking about. To often do us adults assume kids opinions and feelings don't matter. Don't dismiss your children . kids are some of the purest untainted people on earth and in many cases their feelings are real and legit. I say accept it and if your only reason is child support your a horrible human being . Have the conversation at the very least and give them a voice and if you are going to say no at the very least change whats making them want to leave you .

Dear Just Let Them,
It's sounds like you have a great situation with your co-parent. That's fantastic!

I agree that it is important to listen to your kids and to consider their input where you can as you work to effectively parent.

Thanks for dropping a line!
Sara
Losing my daughter
by: Anonymous

My 15 year daughter ran away to live with her dad 6 months ago. She won’t come home unless I break up with my fiancé whom she thinks is a bad influence on me because we drink together (I didn’t drink while she was growing up because I was young and alone and not a healthy drinker at the time. Her father has spun this into me being an alcoholic and choosing a man over her. My fiancé is a wonderful man, though he did raise his voice to her once. Her father is manipulative and broke. I’ve been giving her space, but she won’t go to therapy with me. She will barely speak to me, and only over email. She says she loves and misses me but won’t come home unless I don’t drink (fine) and my fiancé is gone (not fine). I’m crushed and I cry every day. Her broke father has now filed for full custody (we had joint) and for child support. We live in the same town and she won’t even see me. I’m out of ideas. I’ve tried everything. Please please help!

Dear Losing My Daughter,

This one is tough as it sounds like there is a bit more going on than is being shared. In custody situations your daughter should be assigned a guardian ad litem to act as a neutral party and advocate for her best interests. I encourage you to be honest about the current challenges, and consider therapy to work through them. Ask the court for what you want, and of course, be certain that you have legal representation through all of this. Good luck to you!
Daughter wants to move with Dad
by: Anonymous

My recently turned 14 year old has been invited to live with her Dad, my ex in a new town with no extended family other than his wife of one year and adult stepbrother. Previously my ex traveled and was unavailable to physically parent. With his new job he does not travel and has promised a better environment, new cell phone, her own bathroom. Being treated as an adult in a college town and very little accountability. My daughter who has always lived the majority of time with me and we have always enjoyed our time - though argued over rules and boundaries- now claims she cannot live with me and has to live with her dad to relieve her anxiety and stress. She claims she love sme but can't live under my rules any longer. I am personally heartbroken but more fearful of her safety. It causes me to question my reasons even though this change means a move from everything she has known is hours away by car and an entirely new school system. Her Dad loves her and is excited to be buds with her and accuses me of trying to control her and alienate him. I know it is not a parents job to be popular but I am truly confused. ANY advice welcome.

Dear daughter wants to move with dad...
In this case, I would simply say "no". Not wanting rules isn't a reason to give a child the authority to make life changing decisions. She can visit of course, and it's great that dad has himself a bit more together. If she wants to move when she is an adult, she is free to do so. Not now.

Good luck!
Sara
15yr daughter out of the blue says she wants to live with dad
by: Anonymous

I'm crying typing this.Im balling so stresd out with anxiety I'm about to throw up.- just as we go to our exchange she was getting ready to get out of the car she said 'ive been thinking about this for awhile , I think I would like to go to school next year at my dad's" .....I'm shell shocked to my core. I have joint legal and full physical custody in Nebraska. She's never once mentioned this. She's never once even has said a peep about her thoughts. I know her dad has gotten in her head, I know her dad is multipative, and this last month her dad has texd n called everyday if not every other - which wasnt the same as 6mnths ago or even a year ago Therez no way she truly knows what she wants or even thinks her dad's is better- he's married and that house hold has 3 other kids all under 15 - yeah I'm sure she has fun ..I'm a single parent so it's just her n I at home. -- please direct me on any advice, legal articles I can read or prayers!! 🙏

Dear Anonymous,

Simply say "no". You don't have to say yes, you don't have to make any changes. Just say "no". You don't have to explain, you don't have to entertain or interact with her any differently. She can move there after she graduates if she wants. It is incredibly common for kids to want to go to move at this age. My parents were married and I wanted to move. Obviously, that wasn't an option. My son did the same thing. He didn't even meet his dad until he was 10, but he wanted to go live there because he thought life would be easier. I fretted and worried too and my mom gave me the advice I am giving you. I was shocked at how fast the whole issue disappeared. You aren't there to be popular or liked, you are there to raise your child. You have been doing it all along, and you have at least 3 more years before the job is done. Hang in there.

~Sara
I have the same problem!
by: Anonymous

Boy. Not sure when this was posted, but I am anxiously awaiting some replies, as we have quite a similar issue here. In my case it is a 14 year old boy that wants to live with his dad now, after years of his father seeing him irregularly ( he travels for work) and apparently somehow implanting the idea with my son that this was my fault. My ex is also remarried with his wife having a son the same age who is at their house 1/2 and 1/2 as well (same as my current arrangement with my son).I am left with most of the parenting/discipline/trying hard to communicate as his father just.... doesn't. It's been trying. I understand that my house must not seem as fu, but his father has not been open to discussing anything with me, and leaves emails and texts unanswered. I'm struggling with how to maintain the important rules (no flunking school, no lying, we are not nitpickers over here) without losing my kid... but also recognizing this may be normal behavior and not have much to do with me. Any advice on how to handle this gracefully as the rule-making but less favorite parent would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Anonymous,

Hey! Thanks for writing!

It sounds like "living with his dad" is off the table. I know that will be hard for your son to hear, and he may need some counseling to manage through the rejection. If dad isn't responsive, it's not even an option.

It sounds like, and this is quite normal, that your son perceives life will have less nagging if he lives elsewhere. Counseling may help with this idea as well. When it comes to the rules, try including your son in establishing those rules, if you can. Ask him...what should the rules be? How much lying is he comfortable accepting from you? How many classes should he be permitted to fail? What does the future look like when you fail school? Etc. He's going to give you the right answers, and when he doesn't, just push a little further and he'll give you the right answers because he's not an idiot. He would simply prefer to have fewer demands, and wouldn't we all? Help him see his rewards and accomplishments, set goals and meet and celebrate his success. It may not be easy for you, but there are just minumums in life that must be met. And contrary to what he may be currently thinking, there's no escaping.

Good luck!
Sara
Child wants to live with dad
by: Anonymous

15 year old daughter wants to live with dad. Dad and new wife are stable. They talk bad about me to the kids but this is old news. I do not make a fuss about it and I do not talk bad about them. Well now I am hurt. And want her to choose me. But I do not have any reason to. They have alot of money and nice houses and cars and take very nice vacations. They go out to eat to nice restaurants several nights a week. He does not give me child support and we have been divorced 8 years and the kids and I have been living at a lower income level than when they are with her dad. My older kids have moved out and her step mom has a daughter and they have always gotten along well. The only reason for her to stay is because I will be sad without her. He can buy her a car and she can have a nice place to live close to her cousins. At my house it is just me and her and we cannot afford to go out much. Idk. I feel like a failure.

Dear Anonymous,

I am so sorry you are feeling like a failure. I can assure you. You are not! You have raised kids who have gone on to be successful adults! You have been their for your kids! You provided for them, you love them, you have shown them what it means to live in grace. Kids always see the truth. They know is doing a good job. And they love you.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." This quote from Teddy Roosevelt says it all. You cannot be happy and compare your life to others. It just doesn't work.

If the person with the most money to spend always got the kids, we'd all be living at Bill Gates' house.

You have a home, you have love, and there so many things to do that don't take money. Movie night, talks, walks, baking cookies, hobbies, having friends over for homemade pizza. Your kids don't want your presents as much as they want your presence.

Of course getting to go places is nice. Be happy for your daughter when she goes, and listen to all her adventures. She doesn't want you to leave her life because then she'll live closer to her cousins.

You only have a few more years with her, and you know this. Pull yourself together, figure out how to enjoy the time you have left, and live. Our time here is so short. Drink in and cherish every minute that you have with your child and stop wasting time worrying about the number of vacations you take or the kind of car you drive.

You are the mom. Take your role by the reigns and run with it. You've got this!!! xo
~Sara
To: I want to do what is best for my daughter
by: Sara

You have every right to be concerned. Dad is definitely manipulating here. It also sounds like your daughter is desperately hoping to connect with her father on a meaningful level, and that is just not possible. He has created quite the codependent situation.

I would suggest counseling again. This time, you want to find a counselor who deals with trauma and codependence.

Your daughter is herself with you, because you are safe. She knows she is accepted and loved, and she really wants this situation from her other parent, but her other parent isn't able/willing to provide that. That keeps your daughter stressed and hoping for love.

Dad doesn't want counseling, because he is enjoying the little set up he has created, and he doesn't want anything to interupt it. It is your job to interupt it.

Your daughter needs to learn how to cope with this kind of mental abuse. Both so she can have a manageable relationship with her father, and so she can have great relationships moving forward. Learning how to establish healthy boundaries and not twist herself into knots hoping for love will serve her well. Unfortunately, the conditions of a relationship with her father have taught her to eliminate her instincts for healthy boundaries.

Dad is not going to take this lying down. Have the counselor do a good formal assessment, create a plan that outlines what success looks like, and get whatever legal and therapeutic support you need so she can continue counseling and reach success.

I wish you the absolute best!
I want to do what is best for my daughter
by: Anonymous

Good Day,

I am presently going through this. My daughter is almost 14 and recently she has been constantly asking to go live with her dad. She has been saying hurtful things including on more than one occasion, wishing I was dead.

I want to make the best decision and at first thought I needed to protect her but at times I wonder if the need to protect her is all just me and that she really needs this now.

I have always feared parental alienation. My daughter acts differently when she is around her father and even when she was younger there was clear indication that she was not handling the situation well and it was always leaning on her dad's side. If both of us were in the same space with her she would totally ignore my existence but as soon as her dad left she was a totally different person. Sometimes she did and say things to please him even if she felt differently (admitted). I was not sure if it was intentional on his part or she just did not know how to handle the situation. Still, there were times he would lie or things will slip out that indicated that he was being manipulative. I have been heart broken, not knowing how to protect her from all of this and have her live the best and fullest life possible. When I wanted to have her get counseling he was dead against it and I held back because of it until my lawyer said that even if the custody was not settled, it was my right to do so even if he objected. So, she has been to two counselors but gave difficulty opening up to both until one said it does not really make sense. I feared due to some things which happened that he was controlling how she responded to the sessions. Once she has an emotional outburst/ anxiety attack at school. The first thing she said to her father was "Are you mad at me?"

I have had to fight for my daughter which I think no parent should have to go through including him. Crazy thing about it that amidst all of this I sometimes doubt myself. My relationship with him ended in emotional abuse. My self-esteem was low. He criticized my parenting, my personality, the parts of me that I valued and was constantly throwing my weaknesses in my face. Now my daughter is doing the same, she uses the same abusive language. I am stronger now but it hurts that my daughter can even treat anyone like this.

Due to all this I am scared that I will loose any connection I have with my daughter and my ability to protect her the best as I can even if I feel helpless in the situation. When she is by her father she does not talk to me. She does not always answer wnen I call and when she does her response is cold and she quickly cuts off the call. I am actually paranoid about her safety and sometimes I wonder maybe all of this is just part of being paranoid about it all.


Worried about my daughter
Daughters Want to Live With Dad
by: Sara

I can certainly understand your shock at the change of events. While I am glad the girls are able to enjoy their time away, and finally having a good time with their dad. As we know, all good things must come to an end.

I went through the same thing with my son. His dad was completely absent for 10 full years. When my son hit those teen years, he wasn't all that excited to have a parent. His father viewed this completely normal situation as an opportunity to swoop in, make himself feel better for being absent, and become my young son's new best friend.

A best friend, isn't a parent. You have only 5 more years with your girls and you have a ton to teach them, and very little time left to make sure they are prepared to step into the adult world.

Your kids aren't running the show. They don't get to choose where they live. They feel like they have hit paydirt and are getting everything they want. Obviously, they want to keep the party going and are willing to say whatever is necessary to get their way. In other words, they are being kids.

Your job is to be mom. Mom's don't often win popularity contests, and that's ok. At the end of the summer the kids come home, like it or not, and life picks up where it left off. They can certainly go live with their dad after they graduation from high school. That is when they get to decide where they life. Not before.

And it is perfectly appropriate to call them out on their BS if you believe that needs to happen. Trust yourself. You've got this. :)
Daughters what to live with their dad now
by: Anonymous

My ex-husband has bipolar disorder. I was taking care of him and my two daughters for about 3 years until it's gotten bad and out of control and we divorced. We have 50/50 custody on paper, but he left to another city (3 hours flight away from where we live) right after the divorce because he couldn't find a job closer to our home, and been seeing the girls every school break there was.

I've remarried after a year and my daughters do not particularly like my new husband, but we all were living in relative peace, I thought of them as happy kids and friends with their step-brothers. All four of them played board games and we took trips together and they all have great grades at school. I thought the girls were looking up to their step-brothers even.

Five years passed since the divorce, my ex got his disorder under relative control, was successful at his job, single, but never tried to move back to where we live.

Now my daughters are 13 visiting him this summer and he is taking fantastic care of them, does basically anything they want, buys things. He lets them rant about their life with me and how they hate my new husband and how I stand by and do nothing. How stepbrothers are bullying them. How I don't take care of them.

But unless I was living some alternate reality none of it is real, it's like some kind of over-magnified, negative, inside out way to see how we were living in the past 5 years!!! My ex says nothing in my defense or talks about where he has been all this time. The bottom line they told me they hate me and my husband and his sons want to stay with their dad for the foreseeable future.

It's a complete shock to me, I put happy 13 year old twins on the plane and now they are gone. I am not sure what to do in this situation, completely devastated.

I am also afraid that my ex's sudden focus on them is just another mania (he had previous episodes where he'd get extremely interested in something, explored it from 0-100% then moved on to another thing and so on and on, that's how mania works) and will go away soon and they'll be heartbroken.
Daughter Living with Mom Against Her Will
by: Sara

I am so sorry that all of this has happened.

Your daughter needs therapy, and not going isn't an option. It is too much pressure on her to have her make these decisions.

Either something happened that has created her fear of you, or she is using this idea to control her situation.

It sounds like she has had a horrific experience. God bless her. She may be afraid that you will abandon her, and may feel incredibly alone because you weren't there to save her. She is for sure testing you.

You have to step and secure the help she needs. She is deeply wounded, and surely feels betrayed by her father, if not by both of you.

This is not about you. This is about your child. She desperately needs to know, understand, and feel that you love her. You cannot take her actions personally, and you must kick the momming into high gear and get your daughter the healthcare she desperately needs.

Many prayers for both of you. You've got this!
Daughter living with me against her will
by: Anonymous

When my daughter chose to live with her father solely, due to reasons she is unwilling to discuss in a healthy way, her father neglected the court order for joint custody. I respected my daughters wish to stay with him, while we seek therapy. My ex immediately sent her to another state for weeks without my knowledge. I feel he has intentionally alienated me and allowed a 13 year old to make adult decisions. That being said he was arrested for child exploitation 8 months after my daughter left and now cannot be with ANY minors, including her. She is very unhappy, unwilling to go to therapy, and has terrible breakdowns when I try to talk about it. Prior to the estrangement from my daughter, she had never cursed at me or screamed at me. The last few days she has done both, she ran away yesterday, but came back. I don’t know how to help her. She stated she is afraid of me. I have not ever abused her physically, I did have bad episodes when I drank though. My guess is those episodes are the reason for her fear. I haven’t been drunk since she has been back, I don’t yell. She still claims to be afraid. I’m lost. I want her to be ok most of all. I can reframe our relationship to respect her, to accept that she does not want to love me. I will never leave her or put her down. It hurts so much to be hated and having no hope for a healthy relationship with her.
Broken Hearted
by: Anonymous

My story is very similar to these. I married a man that had core values that allowed him to cheat and mooch off of me. I saw red flags and still thought I could work through them. I had a daughter with him and got a divorce with she was 1 year and 5 months old. She never knew us as a couple.

My ex-husband dated women after women, moving my daughter into another home and then she was not allowed to speak with the person or their children again after he and the woman split up. Of course this was because he had started another relationship prior to the break up.

My ex-husband placed chasing women with low self esteem over my daughter and would frequently call and say he had a cough or other issues in order to get out of picking her up if a date arose. My daughter spent all of her time with me except every other weekend. We were very close, our personalities meshed well together. And although she loved her dad, she would say things like, "No offense Mommy, but why did you marry my dad."

When my daughter was 15, he met a woman and moved into a house with her and her daughter and my daughter. Now my daughter started spending more time with him. (Actually not him, because he was out looking for other women) but she spent more time in the house.

His girlfriend began to cut me out of the picture by competing for holidays with celebrations that my daughter had to choose between or go to both. Then one night, she got into an argument with me and left.

I believe she needed an excuse and wanted to pull a move that her father is so famous for...creating an argument and making the other person believe that it is their fault so she can do what she wanted to do which is move out.

A year later, my ex and his girlfriend "broke up" and sold the house and my daughter went to live alone with him. None of this makes sense to me. She and I both laugh at his lies and cheating but she still wants to stay over with him.

He is explosive and frightening but in the same breath, she tells a story of how they got sandwiches at a drive through. It is the weirdest situation. It reminds me of an abusive relationship, similar to what I experienced with him.....Rage, explosion, verbal or physical abuse, honey moon, repeat. I don't get it.

I keep trying to make sense of it. I am glad I found this site for people that understand. Anyone who has not experienced this does not know the deep pain.
Broken hearted
by: Anonymous

I have a similar story as the first person. My daughter told me at 13 she wanted to live with her dad and step mom and 2 half siblings. Shes lived with me all this time and I thought we were close. Shes mean to me and treats me like I'm nothing. Im.re married but maybe feels left out. I'm so lost and heart broken.
14 yr old daughter wants to live with her Drug Dealing Father
by: Anonymous

I am heart broken that my teen wants to live with her father who deals pot. I have struggled a few years building a business but my daughter never went without. She says her father is more stable and it's because he has alot of cash. I can't compete with what he offers her but I also can't deal with the danger she would be in living with him! In the same token I am having struggling with the hurt I feel and going through menapause doesn't help matters. Help please
Dear Need Help
by: Sara

I am not certain what you mean when ask what steps you need to take to have your daughter live with her father.

Does the father want her to move in? If so, then you would need to transfer legal custody and stop the child support. You may have to pay child support to him. Or, the 2 of you could work out an acceptable agreement.

If dad doesn't want that, then you could approach the court to attempt to force the situation. I am not sure if that would be in anyone's best interest.

Raising children isn't easy, and it is especially challenging because no one is ever taught how behavior works. I mean it's no cake walk when you understand.

If you'd rather learn more about how behavior works so you gain more control of your family situation, just click on the Home page and download a free copy of the 7 Ps of Positive Parenting, and/or stop by the Podcast page and listen to episodes 1-7 for more detail about each of the 7 Ps.

Use even just a few of the Ps and you will see a difference in your child...no matter how old they are. Implement all of them...and welcome to your new family life.

My best,
Sara
Need help
by: Anonymous

what steps do i take to have my daughter go
live with her dad if my she is not listening to me and giving me a hard time.




Same
by: Anonymous

I am going through something similar and would like to hear the input.
Dear Not All Dads Are Awful
by: Sara

You are absolutely correct. Each case is unique. Thank you for taking the time to write such a fair comment.

Being a woman doesn't make you a good parent anymore than being a man makes you a bad one, and vice versa.
Not ALL dads are awfull
by: Anonymous

I am a step mom and my husbands ex has a mental disorder which has caused many issues throughout our years of marriage, not to mention on his/her kids. She is ALWAYS the better parent, as she states. My husband has always been there for his kids or at least has tried very hard as she intervenes and brain washes them. He has never missed a payment as he feels its his responsibility as it is for him to be there as a parent. Now my real point...
His son is 14 and wants to live with us. Due to his moms mental issue she is driving him confused, literally. He acts one way to please her but acts different in school because its his normal personality, which has caused some issues for him. He is an A/B student but she expects a straight A student. Hes frustrated because he feels his mom does not understand him and does not allow him to be himself. I have 3 boys, grown of course. My youngest in college (17). Any time my step son acts up she blames my son for it. However, my step son wants to take responsibility for his own actions but she prefers to brush it off on someone else like my kids or his father. Its very frustrating because my husband and I want whats best for his son regardless of which parent he is with, but also feel as if hes screaming for us to help him, and at the same time he doesn't want to hurt his mom because obviously he loves her and we get that. But from what we've seen she just wants to take all the glory and doesn't seem to show the best interest for my step son.
Unfortunately, now we will be engaging in a legal battle which we have tried to avoid for years for the well-being of the kids.
I understand a lot of the comments on here but in some cases the father did not ask to be separated from his children, the mother made the call, and the father is no less of a parent... sometimes its the mother that pushes him away from being a good father. It takes a lot of strength and love to deal with parenting situations, I'm in one and I can surely speak for those fathers dealing with a mother that denies him his right as a father.
Dear Wow...
by: Sara

No one in this thread is complaining about paying child support, or painting a bad picture of the father. They are describing situations and seeking help to do what they think is best for their child. (Hardly selfish) Everyone seems to be quite child focused here and attempting to work with the father of their child (children), but aren't quite sure how to do that give the situation.

I haven't seen anything from these ladies that meets any kind of criminal definitions. However, I welcome any specific input you may wish to share.
Dear Broken Heart...
by: Sara

You are the parent, and you are responsible. If you have custody, you do not have to let your child live with her father and run around all over the place unsupervised. A minor child does not get to make those decisions for herself. It is difficult to step into that role, but you have to do it.
Broken heart
by: Anonymous

My daughter 17 and son almost 15 have been with and lived with me all their lives. They hated staying at dad's.he was abusive verbally for 13 years and I have had enough. I am remarried and my husband has helped raise my children for 11 years now. But my daughter got her drivers license and her dad gives her the car whenever she wants it so she's not been coming home. She stays there for easy access to the vehicle. I don't even know where she goes anymore. He is awful to talk to and I miss my daughter.I dread the day this car is the deciding factor on her living with him when I know she tells me she only stays there because of it. My heart hurts because we were so close.... now he is making his hard for me since we cannot communicate without him always being right and me being bullied by him. Help Me!!!
Parental Alienation
by: Anonymous

I don’t think this case is parental alienation... my daughter is 14. I went thru a two year costody battle to keep my 14 year old daughter. I knew I wouldn’t have to pay child support my ex was behind 10000.00. That part was a wash. But the family judge did grant my daughters wish she now lives full time with her dad. The step mom causes a lot of problems she always wanted a girl and couldn’t get pregnant... so she eventuall was able to get my daughter. She has brainwashed my daughter telling her she was pregnant with her. I have a 14 year old who believes two women were pregnant with her. This is a very emotionally sick step mom. She has pics on Facebook with her saying this is her daughter. This is the worst form of parental alienation I have ever experienced; I give up. I left her with her dad and my daughter has blocked me on her phone. I’m hoping when she is 16 she will come and see me. My daughter acts like a zombie in my house and doesn’t bond to this side of the family. Even with her special needs brother from another dad. My son is in kindergarten... my 15 year old no ability to bond.. I have no more options but to wait for her to come back to me, I have dreams about her being an angel and kissing me on the cheek. She had beautiful long brown curls in her hair. Her step mom cut it all off.. now her hair is a bob very evil stepmom. There is constant bashing of this side of the family.. by my daughter dad and stepmom. Please respond if u agree this is parental alienation. My da
Wow!
by: Anonymous

After reading several of the comments and replies on here, I can see a few things in common. 1. A fear a loosing or having to pay childsupport. Your more worried about money than your child. 2.Your too busy trying to paint a bad picture of your ex-husband than work with him to help your child. 3
You are selfish! If your child does better with your ex, why isn't this utmost priority? (Because of statement #1). This is textbook Parental alienation and some of you need to go to jail!
Should you let your teen go?
by: Ask Sara...

In a word...I say the answer is "no", your daughter does not move in with Dad.

I had this issue with my son as well. Teens want to get away from the confines of life. It is definitely a time when the grass REALLY looks greener on the other side of the fence.

There is no evidence in this case that the father is requesting his daughter because it is in her best interest to be with him INSTEAD of you. And as I feel you are, I would be very concerned that the addition of another female (one from wife #1) would not necessary be welcomed with open arms, love, and support, by wife #2 and her daughter.

I struggled with what was best for my child for awhile and then my mom said, "This is ridiculous. You are the mom, you have the authority, and you tell them all "no"." Once I did, it never came up again and everyone went on along their merry way. I never once regretted my decision.

Follow your gut, and stick to your guns. Blessings!

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